The painful reality of loss
Why is this happening to me?
Losing someone you deeply love and depend on can turn your whole world upside down and fry your circuits as you try to make sense of what has happened and why…
The dispair can send you into a stress response where you can remain for many months and even many years.
As your mind spirals around what happened, trying to make sense of it all, and trying to find a way that somehow it’s not true, leading you on a rollercoaster of emotions.
Your nervous system holds many very strong, well used, neural pathways which are validated by your loved one being present in your life.
When you’re hit with the shock of losing someone special, especially in unexpected deaths, your inner stability is rattled and your survival mechanisms are heightened, contributing to a number of challenging symptoms including: anxiety, stress, night mares, insomnia, panic, terror, burnout, exhaustion, brain fog, memory loss, overwhelm & more.
Your mind will, for a while, keep looking for answers and scenario’s which all lead to the deceased still being alive.
Your neurology must get used to the new reality and your brain & body will eventually create new amended neural pathways that accept the loss and establish new stability.
It can feel like a cruel process having to remind yourself many times that they are no longer physically present.
If you struggle to find new stability, and a new sense of certainty in your altered world, that’s when symptoms revolving around feeling unsafe can be present and disruptive to normal functioning, which can be problematic for as long as it takes for you to establish a solid foundation either within yourself, or via a new crutch: person/pet hobbie/addiction to fill that void.
Creating new positive routines, seeking out healthy help and support from others, groups or professionally, can assist in creating a new sense a certainty in your life.
The fact that our whole inner world can come crashing down and linger on for many years following, affecting normal functioning and suppressing your inner joy, shows a co-dependant attribute towards the person who is no longer in your life.
This is a very natural thing for humans to do, and it stems from an inverted society with poor understanding of how to raise people to believe and trust in themselves to be capable and independent, by knowing at a core level that they are complete and worthy just as they are.
We begin to discover this at birth as as we grow, we form beliefs about ourselves and the safety of the world by how well our needs are met and how much love and comfort we receive.
We then expand beyond the family dynamic and enter society which seems to encourage poor self image and low self worth at every turn. The whole education system is about conforming to a “leader” & comparing oneself to the achievements of others to know if you are intelligent enough or talented enough. Right or wrong, all of these experiences can create greater uncertainty in a person.
When you grow up questioning your worth & you believe that you are not complete in some way, you may form an unconscious “cant live without you” attachment, which is dependant on the presence of another person who; fills a void in you, or provides you with security if you lack a sense of safety.
Perhaps their presence allows you to feel loved if you lack a feeling of self love,
They may provide basic needs; if you feel you cannot support yourself. etc,
This is often why people stay in abusive/unhealthy relationships, because a part of them is co-dependant on the other person, even if there are negative repercussions, the fear of feeling less complete by leaving is stronger than the fear of staying.
When that person who fills a value in you, is no longer in your life, that co-dependant element, that part of you that feels missing, in which that person filled, feels as though part of your support structure, your identity & foundational support, is pulled out from under you, leaving you flat on your backside scrambling to find stable footing.
You are not wrong for having others fulfil a void in you, it just shows up more obviously when that person is gone.
The good news is that you when you identify a part of you that is lacking you can choose to do inner work and help yourself to feel more complete at a core level.
To do this you can start by simply turning up for yourself; being your own loving & supportive friend.
Practice listening to yourself and validating how you feel, avoid making yourself wrong regardless of how you’re feeling.
Grief will bring up all sorts of emotions which often just need you to acknowledge them and hold space for them to be ‘Emotions in Motion’, in order for them to be processed by your brain.
When you learn to give to yourself what you feel you need to receive from others, you will process you grief more effectively and be less likely to become stuck in grief for many years or even a life time.
This simple concept will go along way to supporting your emotional recovery.
Losing a loved one is always devastating and a massive adjustment no matter what stage of personal development you’re at.
Find good supports in the short term and find healing in the long term.
Grief is timeless, take all the time you need, and be kind to yourself and your support team.
Honour your loved one by cherishing your own life here, you will meet again, in the blink of an eye.
Wishing you all the self love, healing and fulfilment in the universe.
Invitation to work with me:
Are ready to start feeling better and finding inner happiness and getting your life back on track?
If you feel ready and willing to move forward into a better inner state, with a new connection to your loved one and yourself
Reach out to enquire about my Healing Hearts Coaching support to help you un-block your recovery process, to move from dull and dispair into life, achievement and happiness.
Whether it’s been months or many years since your loss, grief doesn’t have to be a life sentence.
Jodie Leek (Adv. Dip Neuro-Training Kinesiology, Dip. Counselling, Cert. Results Coach, + Intuitive).